6 |
The tyranny of the “He can't…” |
We suffer primarily… from our illusions. We are haunted,
not by reality, but by those images we have put in their
place.
—Daniel J. Boorstin
utsourcing parenting has another downside. As parents seek help for their child's problems they are often told by teachers, psychologists, and counselors that their child can't sit still, he can't focus, he can't read, he can't control his behavior, he can't get along with other children, he can't…
Parents who come to see me often have learned to describe their children's problems using phrases such as: “She can't seem to concentrate enough to do any homework at home.” “He can't seem to get past a barrier when it comes to writing fluency.” “She can't remember three things I tell her to do.” “He can't control his actions.” “She can't make friends.” “He can't read a book.”
Listening to those descriptions, you would think these examples describe kids who are totally incapable of functioning. The language we use to describe our world has a very powerful influence on how we perceive it.
More than we like to admit, we see our world through the words we use to describe it. In fact, once we have used words to describe our world, we tend to rely on the world our words describe, rather than our senses. This is technically called verbal overshadowing (64, 65, 66, 67). This is not semantic nit picking: it is a critical issue because it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
In reality, when you see a kid staring at a book, all you really know is that “he is not reading.” There can be many reasons why “he is not…,” only one of which is “He can't…” Further, “can't” does not necessarily mean that he has some underlying neurological or intellectual defect, as is usually implied by “he can't…”
There is a huge flaw in the “can't” logic that we need to dissect to understand what is really going on.
Parents and teachers appear to act as if they believe that if they ask a child to do something, he should immediately have a burning desire to do it. Thus, the child would be expected to immediately embark on a single minded, maximum effort to achieving what is asked, just because it is asked. No, I am not being sarcastic or flip. I am just carefully observing and translating what I see adults actually doing with children and the explanations the adults give for the lack of response by the child. Let me give you some examples.
I have had teachers tell me things such as: “I have explained to him over and over that he must keep his hands to himself when he stands in line. No matter what I say, he keeps putting his hands all over everybody. He does not have any sense of other people space. He just can't stand there and not bother others.”
The logic in this missive is that since the child was told to keep his hands to himself, there should be no doubt that the child's priority in life is to meet this demand to keep his hands to himself.
If you think about it, that reasoning is very strange. None of us gives such high priority to anything anyone else tells us to do. We may do what is asked of us if it flts into our needs or interests. That is, we will consider it along with other options, and possibly comply if it benefits us.
Children are no different. They are self-serving little beings who are more concerned with meeting their own needs than meeting adult demands. Children are just like the rest of us. They want to get as much payoff for as little work as they can. That is not pathological, but the nature of energy efficient humans. They will comply with adult demands to the extent that it serves them, or not. Why would one expect it to be any different?
Thus, when a child does not comply, you really do not know that in the child's heart of hearts, he even has an interest in meeting adult demands, much less whether he has an interest but simply cannot perform. All you really know is that “he is not…”
However, the typical flawed implicit logic implies, to use the above example, that if a child is not keeping his hands to himself, then he has some lack of perception of personal space. In the above situation, the teacher believes the child has a deficit in perception rather than that he just may not want to keep his hands to himself.
Likewise, parents tell me: “I have explained to him that he is not going to pass the test if he does not study. No matter what I say, he does not understand how important this is. He still does not want to do his homework and is failing three classes. He just can't seem to get it.”
The logic is that the child is very motivated to understand, but “doesn't get” that studying and homework is important to passing tests and courses. It is also assumed that if the child did understood that concept, he would translate that understanding directly into doing homework. Such faulty logic would deduce that his “inability to understand” is the core of the problem of getting homework done.
I know this all sounds absurd when I break the implied logic apart like this. However, this is an accurate account of the extremely common “he can't…” logic.
Neither am I trying to say that teachers and parents are stupid. Either of them, thinking carefully about what I have just outlined above, would deny that they really believe that this implicit logic proves the child really “can't…” The key operative phrase is “thinking carefully.”
There is a vast difference in what we habitually say, think and do, as opposed to what we “think carefully” about. The habitual component is much stronger because it controls far more of our words and actions than does purposeful thought. If you do not believe me, think back to the overweight person eating the pie, discussed above.
We are very inclined to hear and act on our own words as if they are the truth, whether when thoughtfully contemplating, we really believe what we have said. If words did not have this power, why else would we say the pledge of allegiance, take oaths, sing hymns, or tell how big the fish was that got away. As we say them, our words become reality for us (68).
As teachers and parents say “he/she can't…” about children, those words also become real for how children are viewed and responded to. Seldom is sufficient effort put into discriminating whether a child actually can do something, but is not doing it, or it is truly beyond their ability. Treatment usually proceeds based on “He can't.” Whether it is true or not.
It is well known that words are the enemy of reality.
—Joseph Conrad
How you think and talk about a problem dramatically effects how you see the potential solutions. If you describe your child's problems in “can't” terms, you make yourself helpless to do anything about it because it is, by definition, beyond his abilities. His lack of performance then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Once you take the narrow perspective that your child “can't,” then you are blind to all the more likely reasons he “isn't.” These reasons may be fear, anxiety, depression, hidden incentives for not performing, lack of incentives for performance, or attentional avoidance. In my experience, all of these are more likely reasons for “he isn't,” than “he can't.” And, all of these reasons for “isn't” are much easier to fix than “can't.”
Let's look at the outcome of making two assumptions about a child's ability to perform.
First, let's say that for some underlying reason he simply does not have the intelligence or neurological capabilities to perform. If this were so, children would perform all similar tasks poorly. For example, they would be unable to perform computer games, not just homework. They would be unable to “keep their hands to themselves” even if given a huge reward for doing so, etc.
Continuing on this assumption, if you successfully make the case for a neurological problem, you have also made yourself helpless to help your child since there is not much you can do about a neurological problem. It does not help you in your real reason for pursuing the whole enterprise of diagnosis, which is helping your child have a better life. It would seem far more prudent that, rather than this being the default assumption, it should be the last alternative after far easier methods to change behavior have been tried correctly and diligently.
Second, the alternate possibility is that he does have the underlying ability, that is, “he can…” but “he isn't…” Something is preventing him from demonstrating his ability. Just because he does not perform does not mean he does not have the ability to do so.
The vast majority of the children I see in my practice have the underlying abilities, but performance is inhibited either by emotional blocks in the case of schoolwork or social skills, or lack of motivation in the case of behavior problems.
Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will
never pay attention to their limitations again.
—James R. Cook
If you watch children carefully, they regularly do what others say they cannot do. For example, a child who does not attend to math assignments for more than a few moments can attend to computer games for hours and on more than one occasion. In fact, they attend eagerly every time they are allowed to play such games. Yet the same child is described as “unable to attend to tasks.” While adults dealing with him are so mesmerized by “he can't…” they are blind to these demonstrations of “can…”
The difference in these situations is that the emotions that are elicited by the math are aversive and make the child phobic of any math related tasks. However, once the emotional blocks to learning are removed, children are able to demonstrate skills parents did not think they possessed. They go from “can't…” to “can…” in far shorter time than one could expect if all the skills had to be taught. While the exact mechanisms for this sequence will be described later in the book, I would like to quote some direct feedback from several clients to show that it really is the case.
Stephen got all A's in his courses yesterday AND no marks off for behavior AND perfect attendance. WooHOO! …Stephen has never had such a flawless report card… Sometimes I can't believe how far he has come.—Stephen's mom
One mom wrote this quote from her son:
Well, just that Dr. Weathers changed my whole life. I asked him what he meant, and he said, Well, I went into that pod thing all miserable and my head was confused, and then he talked, and I talked, and I listened to the music, and it was so dark I couldn't see my arm—just the blinky lights, then I came out all happy. So, you see, he changed my life: My brain isn't confused anymore.—Jason's mom
This is the first time he has not had any C's on his report card. Last semester he had a C in math and now it is his highest grade (so close to an A). I am very happy that we chose to come up there and see you. He is doing so much better in everything.—Ian's mom
I thought I'd share Collins's report card with you. He got
5 A's, a B. This is the BEST report card he's ever brought
home and we were absolutely delighted!—Collin's mom
One month ago today we were finishing CAER treat
ment with you. I am pleased and amazed to report that
Nathan tonight finished his homework in record time.
—Nathan's mom
Serena's first violin lesson after treatment was amazing! Instead of arguing and whining, she actually said, “Okay, I got it” and proceeded to give it a shot! FIRST EVER. LINDA (violin teacher) ALMOST FELL OVER.:) She learned her new song in two lessons. Now here is the big one. Serena will be starting… school on Monday.… Serena sat in the (new) class for 15 minutes yesterday while they were doing a math test. I said, “what do you think.” She said, “It is easy.” I have been working with her for two years to try to just add and subtract. Serena seems to be very happy to go.—Serena's mom
My commentary: I did not teach the children above any math, reading, or violin, nor did I review their “choices” with them. I don't even encourage doing better or trying harder at anything. Children are not stupid. They know all about that stuff without hearing it again from me. The bottom line is, removing the inhibitory anxiety allows the competent behavior or skills emerge.
Once children feel competent, the sense of achievement and success naturally drives learning forward. Learning becomes much easier and fun.
The above reactions are so typical of my experience with children that in the vast majority of cases, what has been previously diagnosed as learning disabilities for math, reading, spelling etc. turned out to be nothing more complicated than a phobic response to these tasks. The phobic response causes arousal so the child cannot learn new skills or demonstrate the skills they already have.
Remove the anxiety and a far more accurate assessment of their skills can be made.
It is only when the negative emotions have subsided can one assess accurately what skills the child still needs to master. This topic will be addressed in more detail later.
The same phenomenon described above that occurs with academic tasks is found in the social skills arena as well. Some children with social skills problems are described as having social skills deficits, being immature or being High Functioning Aspergers (HFA). These terms are stand-ins for “he can't…” (Note: There are children with pronounced deficits in the autistic spectrum disorders who do likely have neurological problems. I am not talking about them here. It has been my experience that children are often labeled Aspergers when they have a few social problems or mild symptoms. Those I am referring to here as High Functioning Aspergers-HFA.)
The implication is that some delay or abnormality in the development of a child's nervous system prevents him from behaving appropriately. Though occasionally true, such explanations are usually off the mark. In the vast majority of cases, poor social performance has nothing to do with development or impairment of a child's nervous system.
If is often suggested that Aspergers children and adult's social problems stem from being unable to read social cues or inability to develop the social skills to respond appropriately. This is a gross misunderstanding of the cause of these problems, which in turn leads to ineffective treatment efforts.
HFA's actual ability is usually apparent if you look across their lives. There are usually situations where HFA children demonstrate good social skills, such as with their family, a younger friend, or with adults. Many of these children will interact appropriately with adults, but do poorly with their peers. So obviously, they “can” but “do not” always. This contrast is the key to understanding what is going on.
If people demonstrate appropriate social skills in one setting, they clearly have the skills, even if they do not display them everywhere. If the skills they have are not being demonstrated in another setting, it means that these skills are being emotionally inhibited in the problematic situations, just as academic skills are inhibited by fear and frustration. Children tend to perform better with family and adults because those people tend to be more accepting and supportive than peers.
As many of us know from our own childhood experiences, peers can be merciless with those who aren't “cool” or “popular.” Such treatment is painful and not surprisingly causes fear and anxiety. This fear inhibits social skills in future encounters with peers, which becomes a downward spiral.
The problem is not, as often hypothesized, that they miss social cues. They read the cues and know something is going wrong, but their solution does not work.
One of my articulate adult patients put it well.
I find I'm able to read people really well, but I usually
don't respond accordingly.
Just like the rest of us, when HFA's are anxious, their ability to think straight and problem solve situations is out the window. When this happens, they respond in the most innate, reflexive way. They assume that there is something missing in what they are saying to the other person, i.e. there is deficit. (The Deficit Model is discussed in more detail later.) They feel, “I have not said the right thing” or “I have not given the right answer.” To win the approval of the other person, they try to fill the deficit with what is most fulfilling to them, their interests, ideas and words. In addition, focusing their attention on the subjects they like and feel competent at reduces their own anxiety.
This is what causes their intense talking about their favorite and well rehearsed topics, such as computers, dinosaurs, trains, meteorology, politics or unasked for solutions to problems. These are a way of engaging with the other person in an attempt to fill the imagined deficit.
Though this strategy actually makes the problem worse, and they feel it, their anxiety is draining the attentional resources necessary to shift strategies in real time. A downward spiraling feedback loop develops which results in their “rattling on,” which drives people away. Later, when they are relaxed, many of them can tell you that rattling on about their favorite topics drives people away, but in the pressure of the moment, they cannot implement this insight to change their behavior.
As HFA children face social rejection and failure, they develop anticipatory anxiety, which further reduces their social performance.
This generates more negative feedback, which increases their anxiety, which further inhibits their social skills, and so on. This may lead to depression and social withdrawal.
Humans are social animals, and usually find strength, comfort and pleasure in interacting with others. However, if these social interactions are repeatedly unpleasant, then the anticipation and experience of social interaction becomes aversive. This aversion triggers social avoidance, phobia and deprecation of people and situations. You will often hear this in the form of, “they are dumb,” “I do not like them,” “they are immature,” “I don't like that game,” or “they are stuck up.” This all translates to “I need a good excuse not to risk being rejected again.” The basic human social needs are still there, but being pushed aside by this learned anxiety and avoidance.
In the case of both academic skills and social skills described above, there is no point in teaching either academic subjects or social and communication skills that children already possess, but is being inhibited by anxiety. It is more effective to extinguish the emotional blocks that inhibit access to these academic and social skills. This offers an avenue to transfer those already developed skills into other areas where the child has experienced anxiety. One method of doing that is the CAER treatment that I do. It is designed to extinguish this inhibitory emotional arousal.
In the case of treatment for social interaction problems, one needs to both decrease the social anxiety and avoidance as well as reinforce social interaction, so that it becomes intrinsically reinforcing. Once the negative feelings are extinguished from the socially difficult situations, social performance usually improves dramatically, without any social skills training.
The next step is to re-create the reinforcing experience that is usually part of social interaction. Typically, this is just a matter of “priming the pump” by providing a few initial rewards contingent upon social interaction.
Pump priming can be as simple as first talking to the child about some small bit of positive social performance that was observed and avoiding talking about social difficulties. To create a chance to observe those behaviors, inviting a select few peers over for pizza and computer games, or the like, helps. Many things are likely to go wrong, and avoiding talking about them is absolutely critical. Small rewards can be provided for behaviors such as sharing toys, staying with the group, or letting others help themselves to food first.
This process can be made more efficient with the Behaviors section of the Homework Messenger which is part of the follow-up for my post face-to-face treatment. This, as well as other parts of my program will be expanded upon later in the book.
One of the most important tasks of a manager is to
eliminate his people's excuses for failure.
—Robert Townsend
A final commentary on the issue of “Can't…” vs. “Is not…” is the almost universal practice of labeling children with medical nomenclature by offering a diagnoses. This implies that there is some hidden, invisible, underlying defect in the child—some kind of brain abnormality. Diagnosis such as ADHD, Aspergers, and Learning Disabled, imply the child “can't” perform because of this hidden condition. With such a diagnosis, the medical community has undermined parent's ability to be a good “manager.” They have provided parents medical excuses for children's failure, rather than the vision and motivation to engineer positive changes in their children.
I am not implying any deceptive, immoral or unethical behavior by anyone. Everyone has well intentions, but they are misinformed. Through this mechanism, parents, out of frustration, seek professional assistance because by some magical process they think professionals can make children do what they “can't” do. As I hope I have convinced you by the above discussion, my desire is to empower parents to understand what is really going on and enable them to make the changes they need to make.
The next section will delve into some building blocks of success that are not often discussed in the popular press, but vitally important.